I wish I never missed you

[amity]

i wish i could i could have quit you, i wish I never missed you
and told you that i loved you every time i fucked you
the future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through
obsessed with the thought of you the pain just grew and grew
--*

Amity set down the unused razor blade. No, no,no. She wouldn't do this today, not today. Her body shook as she looked at the sharp addiction. When had it become a life support? An answer for that was obvious. Rodger, the night he burned. His ashes were sitting beside the flames in her fireplace. She shakily pulled her legs to her chest and curled in on herself. The piercings on her ear were the last thing she had to remind herself of Rodger. She couldn't remember the last time she'd worn any other since they started dating, three years ago. Her hand found the silver frog and she took off the tight cuff and looked at in her palm. Before she could cry, she numbly stuck it back on the pocket of her ear and stood up. The boots she wore clunked across the cheep concrete of her shabby apartment as she left for the front door. It clinked shut behind her with the sounds of nearing breakage. Amity sighed and pulled it closer to her, turning the key to lock it. Not like it would protect it. She could kick open rusted lock herself.
Her eye settled around the park, to all the kids playing on the swing. Several mothers ushered their kids away from the tall, anorexic freak with her ears pierced in multiple places and a thin ring on her nose. She narrowed her eyes and walked past them. Stares came from everywhere, their pity burning holes in her back. It hurt. Amity pulled herself higher, noting with a jealous satisfaction she stood higher than most of the women she passed. Though their curvy bodies were far more attractive than her body, barely curved and flat. She was grateful for the hint of a large butt she had, it was the only thing she'd ever been envied over. Pushing the feminine thoughts away, she clunked towards a metal picnic table and sat down on one side of the backed benches and put her legs on the table, sliding down until her knee's almost touched her chest. It made her feel smaller, less dangerous to herself when she caved in. Amity pushed the unshaven part of her short blonde hair away from her face and put her forehead on her arms, opening her ears to the happy sounds around her.

i wish i could i could have quit you, i wish I never missed you
and told you that i loved you every time i fucked you
the future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through
obsessed with the thought of you the pain just grew and grew
--*
OUTFIT

[crisis]

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

My addiction to drugs was unintentional and immediate. Unintentional because my dad held me down and stuck the needle in my arm. And it was immediate because it was drugs, heroine to be exact. I was addicted to heroine for five years before my best friend called the cops on me. They admitted me until I was clean and no longer looking for a fix. So about five months. And then when I got out, I started coke. And an overdose and four months in rehab got me off of that. At the moment i'm hooked back on heroine. I was offered it, and I took it. So the addiction is back.

I had just finished shooting up when I stumbled out the house and down the street. I didn't know where I was going, but I was going somewhere. My mind was fogged, and I felt good. So when I wound up in the park, I knew why. For some reason I had always wound up in the park while I was high. I guess it was the inner kid in me. The inner kid that had been stripped away. I was nine when my dad got me hooked to heroine. Fifteen almost sixteen when I got hooked on cocaine. I was seventeen when I got off coke. And a two years ago when I got back on heroine.

I'm not a good person. I've gotten a few girlfriends hooked, and i've beaten every one of them. I'm not the greatest guy to get attached to. But when I saw her sitting at the picnic table, I knew I would risk ruining another girls life to be with her. She was beautiful. Really skinny, but beautiful. And within seconds, my feet are carrying me to her. Even through my foggy brain, I make it to her and sit down. "Well hello beautiful. How are you?" I smile a lop sided grin at her and sit cross legged on the bench of the table.

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me

outfit; here[/center][/size]

[amity]

Amity had long passed the somber stage of her park visit. She'd sat up, pulled out her Ipod and started playing Candy Crush. It felt like the old her, before she'd gotten her sharp addiction. At least she hadn't picked up drugs. Someone special would have to get her hooked on that. That caught her attention. Rodger was special. What if he'd pushed her for drugs? Amity couldn't say she wouldn't have tried. Sometimes it scared her how impressionable the silly love she'd had with him made her. Everyone liked to think no one could change them; that changed after she had sex. Sex was something Amity didn't want to experience, but of course, Rodger had made the impression on her that it was okay, something all couples did. Amity shook and tapped furiously at the matches on her little Ipod screen.
She looked up as the air shifted around her. Through her blonde hair, she saw someone sit across from her. He was cute, more than cute. Handsome wasn't the word, it was too sophisticated, but hot wasn't what she was looking for either. The guy was so different from Rodgers tall, wiry and light frame. She couldn't help but smile a little at his greeting. I'm good. Are you.. high? Amity turned her head to the side, a light smile playing cross her lips. His grin was so cute, almost kid like. Surely he was high. What person normally so giddy? It'd be legendary to have a friend like that. She imagined it would be almost like having a little kid friend. Her eyes swept his face again. Gorgeous. Maybe that was the word.

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[crisis]

Despite myself I laughed at her silly little question. Was I high? Well obviously so. I'm sure I was shaking with jitters, and almost positive my injection scars were showing. Am I high? Why yes. Yes I am. My name is Andrew. You can call me Andy or Drew. Your choice. I got on top of the picnic table and laid flat on my back. I probably looked crazy to everyone passing by. Hell, I was crazy. And everyone knew it. I was a know drug addict. Everyone knew to stay away from me. I'm surprised this girl didn't know who I was. Most people knew my name.

I turned over on my stomach, and moved so I was facing the pretty blonde. My legs were curled upwards so they were resting on my butt instead of hanging out for people to walk into. Even high I knew better then to leave my legs out. The mean people would surely knock me down. Now beautiful, you gonna tell me your name? Or am I gonna have to guess? I grinned and started playing with her short cropped hair. She probably found me very odd. But hey, she knew I was high. Most people who are on drugs are crazy. I'm no different.

[amity]

Amity smiled and watched the guy as he slid on his stomach and faced her. He was adorable. She shook her head with little chuckle and pulled the other ear bud out and set her Ipod beside her. That's lovely, Drew. A bigger smile stretched at the corners of her mouth. The name Drew had always been one of her favorites, it just had a smooth lyric to it. Rodger was choppy, it's syllables changing to dramatically with two little letters. In her head, she said 'Amity'. It had different syllables, but they fit in a pattern. She pulled her legs underneath her and put her elbows on her knees, folding her hands together in front of her. When Drew started messing with her hair, she couldn't help that her eyes widened a little bit. Her breath caught. It was just like that first affection moment for a couple, something she'd only experienced once. Sometimes Amity dreaded the fact she'd spend three years on the same guy and hadn't messed around with it, almost like game. But at the thought of Rodgers light and happy face, she took it back. He was safe from his father now, at least.
Clearing her throat, she tried for words. It's Amity. Save the guessing games for later. She tried a light smile, glad with herself when it didn't falter and grow larger, touching the edges of her blushed cheeks. Amity wondered if Drew was always this way, or if it was just the high. The only time she'd gotten high, almost two years ago, everyone said she didn't really change, with the exception of being slightly more brave. Possibly Drew wasn't much different sober. Well, hopefully he wasn't. She'd hate to have another first impression go wrong. At least she'd be used to the sense of defeat that yet another guy hadn't been what he seemed.

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[crisis]

My drug filled brain responded to her response on it's own. Which made me giggle after the words were out of my mouth. "You're lovely, and I want you to guess your way on a date with me." Okay, that made no sense. Hence the giggle. I rolled onto the bench of the table, my hand still connected to her hair. I made sure I didn't hurt her as a rolled, although I almost rolled right on top of her. I giggled again, and brought her hair to my nose. She smelled nice. Wow i'm creepy. I pulled away from her and laughed. "Sorry. You just smell pretty." I laughed again and pulled out a cigarette and light it. I took a long puff and sighed. After doing drugs for so long the high never lasted for as long as I would have liked. It started out lasting a couple of hours, now it lasted maybe thirty minutes. An hour if I was lucky. Luckily, I acted high even when sober.

[amity]

Amity looked at Drew, raising an eyebrow. Guess her way into a date? She put her elbows on the table and laced her fingers together, putting her chin on them. The only issue with this seemingly perfect Drew was she still wasn't sure what he acted like sober. Her eyes traveled over his face and to his longish black hair. Well, sometimes even many failures couldn't make you miss a risk. Amity gave a teasing smile. I'm turning the tables. Why don't you guess my answer? She carefully sidestepped his comment on her pretty smell. There wasn't anything she could really say to that without making it obvious the comment was weird. But maybe weird was the break she needed. Slowly, she leaned closer to Drew and put her face near his shoulder and gave a light laugh. Amity pulled back and put her elbows back on the table. She 'hmm'ed, giving a shrug. But a small smile couldn't be held back and the corners of her mouth tilted slightly. Of course, Drew smelled slightly of smoke, and just a normal guy. Which she didn't really know what scent that was, but it summed it up best.

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